Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
