I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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