I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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