Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
