1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
