Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
