I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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