my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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