the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
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once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
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I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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