I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Randomize
