It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We need to get me chipped asap
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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