guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
