Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
