I want you more than these girls want KFC
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
