I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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