Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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