Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
