The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
