Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
