Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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