Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
