Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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