chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
