im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
