there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
