The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
