I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
