U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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