Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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