I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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