I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
time to smoke my breakfast
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
