so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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