My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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