I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
