You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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