A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
