I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
