I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
