If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
