oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
