Four minutes until I can fart!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
