I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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