i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
