I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
