Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
