I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
