My friends, they love my intelligence
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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