Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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