Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
