I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
