You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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