i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
