i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
