Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
