Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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